Violence can take many forms – economic, digital, emotional, physical, or sexual. It’s always hurtful, and it’s never okay.
Controlling someone, (digitally) monitoring them, forbidding friendships, hurting them with words, controlling money, threatening, getting physical, or crossing (sexual) boundaries – all of this is violence. These forms often overlap.
In some relationships, both partners control and hurt each other. In others, there’s a clear imbalance, with one person using violence against the other. This can happen in any kind of relationship, regardless of sexual orientation, gender identity, or relationship type.
One thing is clear: the person who uses violence is always responsible, not the person experiencing it. Accepting that isn’t easy, but it’s also an opportunity, because violent behavior can be changed, and you can learn to act differently.
Maybe you’re thinking, «It’s not that bad» or asking yourself, «Can’t I even get angry anymore?» Sure, conflicts happen, and that doesn’t automatically make a relationship unhealthy. Anger can even give you energy if you channel it well.
But when boundaries are repeatedly crossed, when behavior causes fear and hurt, it’s no longer just a conflict – it’s violence.
Attitudes and convictions
How you think shapes how you act.
Before hurtful behavior shows on the outside, it starts in the mind – in thoughts, beliefs, and ideas. Someone who always feels they have to be right, who doesn’t take other people’s feelings, needs, or opinions seriously, or who believes a relationship has to run by their own rules, is laying the groundwork for crossing boundaries and for violence.
These beliefs don’t appear overnight. They often form early, and many run deep in our society. More on this here.
The good news: any mindset can be questioned, and doing so can genuinely help. Many of these beliefs come with expectations – like the pressure to always be strong or to fit a certain role. Men in particular often hold on to ideas that demand toughness and stop them from showing feelings or asking for help.
It’s worth taking a closer look: which beliefs shape how you act?
Emotional violence
Many people associate violence with hitting or physical injuries. But violence actually starts earlier, with emotional (or psychological) violence. It’s often not recognized as violence because it doesn’t leave bruises. But the effects can be just as serious and long-lasting.
Examples include:
- Belittling: Frequent insults or humiliations that hurt your partner’s self-confidence.
- Control: Always wanting to know where the other person is, what they’re doing, and who they’re with. Also secretly reading messages.
- Jealousy: Treating every contact with others as a threat and restricting it, especially with the opposite sex.
- Digital monitoring: Checking phones or laptops, demanding passwords, tracking location, or using monitoring software.
- Isolation: Keeping your partner away from friends and family to have all their attention.
- Emotional blackmail: Making the other person feel guilty or pressuring them to get what you want.
- Stalking: This often happens after a breakup – repeatedly messaging an ex, monitoring them online and in person, following them, or showing up where they are.
You might recognize yourself in some of this.
Some people use violence out of insecurity, feeling overwhelmed, fear, or a sense of losing control.
That doesn’t excuse it – but it’s never too late to change!
Threats and damage to material property
Threats and destroying things are forms of violence, including threats to harm yourself. Threats and damage to property aren't just wrong, they are also a punishable offense.
Threats are often used to put pressure on someone – to control them, intimidate them, or get them to do something. Especially during breakups, threats are often directed at oneself or at a partner.
Many see this as the only way to deal with fear, anger, and the feeling of losing control.
It is clear that this is not the right way to go about things – and you know that too. Help is available – find out more here.
Physical violence
Hitting, kicking, choking, pushing, pulling hair, pressing someone against a wall, hurting with objects – all of this is physical violence. Even if you downplay it, call it a «slip-up,» or blame stress, jealousy, or alcohol. It is still violence, and it’s never acceptable.
The impact on those affected can be severe. These actions can destroy lives – and have legal consequences.
Violence has no place in relationships. Change is possible – but it starts with you.
Sexual violence
Sexual violence starts when someone’s boundaries and wishes aren’t respected: unwanted touching, forcing sex, pressuring someone to send nude photos, or secretly recording intimate moments. Showing or sharing intimate or sexual pictures or videos without consent is also a form of sexual violence.
Whether you’re flirting, dating, in a relationship, or somewhere in between, it’s essential to respect the other person’s boundaries and wishes. Ask yourself: are we both wanting the same thing, or am I pushing them, mainly thinking of myself? Ignoring someone’s needs and limits – whether out of habit, by abusing a position of power, or through emotional pressure – is sexualized violence.
No one is ever entitled to sex or sexual acts. A «yes» yesterday is not a free pass for today. Silence is not consent. A «no» means no, and is not an invitation to keep going.
Sexual violence hurts deeply – sometimes for years, sometimes for a lifetime. It can also carry legal consequences.
True closeness and connection don't come from pressure or violence, they come from respect and consent. Reflecting on your own behavior is an important step toward change.
Homicide or attempted homicide
This is how violence can end. Control, belittling, threats, or hitting – over time, it can escalate. In the worst cases, someone is killed or barely survives.
In Switzerland, there’s an attempted homicide within close relationships every week, and about every two weeks, someone is killed by a (former) partner or family member. The statistics are clear: most victims are women, and most perpetrators are men.
Everything you’ve read so far shows that behaviors like these are often just the tip of the iceberg. They are frequently preceded by months or years of violence and controlling behavior.
It should never have to get that far.
