Someone who becomes violent doesn’t simply lose control. Violence is the result of many decisions.
It often starts with unspoken anger, unresolved conflicts, or frustration. Many people only realize late how a cycle of tension and escalation develops – or they justify their behavior afterwards.
Maybe you have already yelled at, pushed, insulted, or hit your partner. Maybe you feel guilty, or ask yourself how it could have gotten this far.
Violence in partnerships tends to follow a clear dynamic. The spiral of violence shows step by step how violence escalates. Knowing the pattern helps you recognize it in yourself – and intervene early.
- Tension and loss of control
In the early stages, you may notice yourself becoming more irritable. You find it harder to stay calm or deal with conflict. Maybe you start putting your partner down, try to control them, or react angry with minor things. It’s important to recognize that you still have a choice in how you respond: you can talk about what you’re feeling or let the tension continue to build.
- Violence
If this tension continues to build without being addressed, the risk of violence increases. But violence is not something that simply happens. Even when you feel overwhelmed, you are responsible for your actions. Violence is a choice and often an attempt to release tension by harming another person. It can take many forms, including insults, threats, pushing, crossing sexual boundaries, or physical assault. Violence is never necessary and never acceptable.
- Relief
After an act of violence, you may experience a brief sense of relief – not because the underlying problem has been solved, but because the immediate tension has decreased. For a moment, things seem calmer. But the real issues remain unresolved, and the cycle continues.
- Shame and guilt
After the violence, you may experience guilt and shame. You may be shocked by your own actions and wish you could undo what happened, but you cannot.
- Reconciliation attempts (Honeymoon phase)
You try to excuse the situation with explanations or excuses: «I was stressed», «You provoked me», «It wasn’t that bad.» Maybe you give your partner gifts or become especially loving. These gestures can create the appearance of closeness and make you feel that everything is okay again. But often this isn’t really about the other person – it’s about easing your own guilt. As long as you downplay or justify the violence, you’re not taking real responsibility.
- Avoidance
Instead of talking about what happened, you avoid the topic, your feelings, or emotional closeness. You hope the situation will resolve itself. But avoiding a problem does not make it disappear.
- Building up anger, frustration, and rage
Unresolved feelings and conflicts begin to build up again. Anger, frustration, and rage increase, along with the urge to blame the other person. The tension continues to rise, and it can take very little for the cycle to begin again.
The more often this cycle repeats, the easier it can become for violence to happen again – and the harder it may feel to break the pattern.
Violence is not accidental. It is not something that just happens and it is not a reflex. Whoever uses violence carries responsibility, in every single moment.
You can break out of the spiral, because whether you become violent or not is your decision. The first step is recognizing your own responsibility. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, it takes courage to change. Talk to a professional. Here you can find support.
